AlakaBOOM!
by DarthDumbledore
Summary: Hogwarts explodes, McGonagall is left to interveiw the suspects with the help/hinderance of Dumbledore.


"Over a thousand years ago, the four greatest witches and wizards of the age shared a dream, to create a school where young people of the wizarding world could study and train in the magical arts they need to become skilled, fully-trained wizards. Their creation, which has shaped millions of young wizard's lives and minds, is Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry. A proud castle that produces many great minds"

Professor McGonagall slammed the brochure down angrily on her desk, making the five students seated before her in her office jump in their seats. "Nowhere in this brochure does it say that this _peaceful _place of learning self destructs on occasion!"

Fred shrugged "These misprints do happen,"

"No Mr Weasley, these misprints do not happen! I'm not sure which one of you is to be held responsible for the self-destruction of Hogwarts but-"

The office door opened, and the students heaved a sigh of relief as Dumbledore entered. A key witness was crucial at moments like these when possible murder by an angry middle-aged professor was in the imminent future.

"Professor Dumbledore," said McGonagall recollecting herself and straightening up her shirt "thank you for coming at such short notice,"

"Not at all, Professor McGonagall." He peered over his half moon glasses at the five students- four students and one angry looking girl in a blue ball gown with ugly looking scratches on her dainty bare feet, all who grinned at him sheepishly except for the girl in the ball gown who just had a permanent glare on her face. "So these are the culprits?" he asked choosing to ignore the girl of questionable origins at this moment in time. He looked at them again, Fred and George Weasley, well that was understandable, Neville Longbottom, poor boy, just always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Yes professor," replied McGonagall turning back to glare at the students, "I was just beginning to start questioning them." Dumbledore glared at them too though he felt he was a little late at trying to snag the role of "bad cop" in this interrogation. "Blowing up a school is not a matter we take lightly here at Hogwarts." he started, feeling a bit of a twat, though he was headmaster and felt he should have a bit of a say. " I think we should all just be grateful that the founding figures of this school thought it necessary to place protection spells around the school in case of such an occasion. Nobody has been harmed and the school is currently reassembling itself back together as we speak, as you yourselves probably witnessed when you were being escorted up to this office."

Professor McGonagall continued, "You shall all be questioned separately and be asked to wait outside the door while I and Dumbledore decide who is to be held responsible for this-this,"

Professor McGonagall waved her arm about as she racked her mind for an appropriate term much to the amusement of the students and puzzlement of Dumbledore.

"What's that McGonagall?" Fred asked

"Cat got your tongue?" The snickers that this remark created were quickly chocked back down, severe coughing fits consumed each of the students, and Dumbledore began sneezing in a most peculiar manner as McGonagall glared around the room.

"I'll begin with you two," she said gesturing towards Fred and George,

"But I though we were being questioned separately?"

"Don't' think I haven't got better things to do than sit around and listen to the exact same story twice," McGonagall said sharply

Fred turned to George, "you mean you?"

"I never knew"

They paused for a minute and stared at each other "we're good," they decided.

"Now the rest of you can wait outside until I call you in. Madam Pomfrey is waiting outside to see to those scratches," McGonagall said, addressing her last remark to the girl in the ball gown, who she had, avoided making eye contact with until then. Frankly, she was too scared to ask.

As the door slammed behind the last student, the twins' indignant remarks began

"This is an outrage!"

"We demand a lawyer"

"We had nothing at all to do with-"

" Now, now, thank you," Dumbledore interrupted, shutting the twins up, " whether you were involved in the explosion or not it is part of school policy to question you two in the cause of any such accidents that may be seen by some," he paused to give them both a lengthy stare " as of a humorous nature,"

George turned to Fred, "Cancel that lawyer Fred get our Press Secretary on the line, this could be massive!"

"Wait till mum hears this! Falsely accused all these years. I think we have ourselves a clear example of 'prejudiced forces' at work"

Professor McGonagall heaved an exasperated sigh "But 90% of the time you were the ones who did it,"

George laughed "100% of the times, where the ones who did it,"

"Except for that time with the, um, you know," Fred muttered, picking at a piece of invisible lint,

"Oh yeah," George turned to the teachers, "that was just plain disgusting a mean we have standards!"

"Whether you were guilty or innocent with previous convictions," McGonagall started

"Easy with those long words will ya, didn't think I'd have to revise for this lecture,"

McGonagall continued in louder and scarier tone "We still need to know what you were doing at the time of-"

The door opened as Snape walked in, Professor McGonagall buried her face in her hands,

"Is everything all right Professor?" Snape drawled looking over the twins with a sneer.

"We are all fine in here, thank you professor," she replied crisply taking her head out her hands and shuffling some papers around on her desk. The clearing of a voice from the corner drew Snape's attention to Dumbledore, "Headmaster," Snape exclaimed standing a little straighter, "I didn't realise you-"

"How are the dungeons coming along?"  
Snape paused with a look of what could possibly have been embarrassment, "There has been a slight misunderstanding with the school. These older reassembling spells aren't always as reliable for over long periods of time,"

"What seems to be the problem with them?" Dumbledore asked

"Well a slight, um, alteration to the dungeons whereabouts." Snape swallowed. Fred and George were busy cementing this memory into their minds.

"Meaning?"

Snape swallowed harder "they're in the attic sir.'

The silence was epic to say the least, as McGonagall and the Weasley's revelled in the awkwardness of it.

"If that is all Professors," Snape said hurriedly moving to leave,

"That will be all thank you Snape." Dumbledore replied courteously

As the door closed behind him, Dumbledore looked down in mock disapproval of Fred and George doubled over with laughter. Even McGonagall was feeling a little better. However, she still had three more people to question and so the good feeling did not last for long.

"Now I could always pass you on to him for questioning." She warned Fred and George sharply "I'm sure he would be very effective at getting some answers out of you,"

Fred and George halted mid-laugh

"You wouldn't!"

"She would"

"All right!"

"We'll tell you everything"

McGonagall sat forward in her seat. This was more like it. The twins hesitated slightly as they exchanged glances,

"Should we?"

"He probably didn't mean it,"

"but-"

"I know,

"It's for his own good,"

They turned to McGonagall who sat expectantly, waiting for their verdict.

"It was Neville," they said in unison.

In his nervousness to sit down Neville missed the chair. McGonagall tried to contain the loud exasperated sigh that was starting to become a nervous habit.

Now twice as Flustered and nervous as before Neville made another attempt to sit down in the chair before McGonagall's desk "miss I'm really sorry, professor Dumbledore I can't-. Look I'm just really sorry,"

McGonagall clasped her hands in front of her, "its all right Neville, just tell us what happened, we can be very understanding." She tried to give a reassuring smile but judging from the change of Neville's facial expression from fear to pure terror it had not helped the situation much. "Neville," she tried again. "I didn't mean to Ms, it just happened. I didn't think it would cause such a- such a" McGonagall patience was wearing thin, "Neville, what did you do?" Neville gulped and appeared to be chocking on his own tongue for half of a minute, McGonagall was half tempted to call for a nurse, but Neville appeared to regain himself as he took a deep breath. The room was still. The air grew tense as Neville opened his mouth to describe what exactly he had done in those precious moments before Hogwarts exploded.

"I really am sorry miss,"

"I know Neville," McGonagall whispered, trying hard not break the tension. "But we need to know what you did."  
Neville swallowed

"I farted,"

As Neville made a hasty exit, after he'd been assured that no matter what he'd had for dinner no fart, however potent, could cause the spontaneous combustion of a whole school McGonagall turned to Dumbledore who wore a small frown on his face as if in deep thought,

"It would be an interesting question to put to the scientific community," he said, thinking aloud.

McGonagall looked at him with disapproval as they waited for the final person to come in for questioning. "No word of that interview is to be spread to the staff. I will not have the reputation of the boy or this school tarnished by such immature and adolescent rumours,"

She turned back to face the chair and almost jumped out of her skin as she was confronted by the contorted scowling face of the girl in the ball gown. "Good heavens child," McGonagall exclaimed

"I can tell you who did it," the girl said fiercely. McGonagall held her hand to her chest, to calm her racing heart; no child had ever dared look at her with such unguarded aggression before

"Here we go again," McGonagall heard Dumbledore mutter

"It was that damn two faced fairy godmother,"  
"fairy godmother?" McGonagall asked weakly.

"Yes fairy godmother," the girl continued, scowl deepening. " go to the ball, she said, fall in love with prince charming, she said, It must have simply just slipped her mind to add that she had hidden a role of dynamite into the heel of my glass slippers."

"Dynamite?"

"Yeah, damn terrorists. Think they can get away with anything. Though with all her magical genius she never reckoned that it might be a bit dangerous for a lizard to drive a carriage less than an hour after it's been transformed into a man. So then, we had to stop and ask for directions. The farmer _looked_ like he knew what he was talking about, but then you never can trust those damn redheads. So finally we arrive at the castle, cannot see anyone else around but I did realise we were quite late, and then turns out it's the wrong castle! Do you know how many castles there are in bloody Scotland!" the girl was now screaming in a freakishly high pitch.

"Quite a few I gather," McGonagall stammered, trying to remember who was in charge.

" there's frickin hundreds, and only one of them has a late 14th century prince charming, and the one I end up at is full of a bunch of teenage freaks!" the girl sat panting in the chair after this long winded spiel. Neither McGonagall nor Dumbledore were exactly sure what school policy was in such a situation and both of them half hoped that Snape would come back. They both tensed up as the girl took another deep breath and launched into the second half of her not so happy tale.

"And all this time, these glass heels that hag with wings shoved on me are hurting like heck. And I'm just really sick of it all, so take them off and that's when I see the stick of dynamite in the heel." The girl was crying now, big back wrenching sobs, "you see she didn't care about me that damn fairy godmother. She hadn't simply felt that it would be for the greater good of the world in general if domestic servants oppressed by their evil step relations were just given a chance at happiness. She just wanted to hijack my innocence to use as way of getting a law change and a bit of a fireworks display for the neighbouring villages."

The girl sniffed and wiped an arm across her face leaving a trail of snot across her tearstained cheek. She waved a hand at McGonagall and Dumbledore, oblivious to the disgusted and horrified grimaces that were etched onto their faces, as they were helpless in escaping from what they would probably remember as the most excruciating and horrifying minutes of their life. "I mean I'm sorry about your school, I really am but I was just so tired with everything, that I just threw those slippers as hard and as far away from me as possible. I hadn't _intentionally_ aimed at your school, it just, you know, happened to be there."

She flopped back into the chair, thoroughly exhausted from her recount and stared unseeingly as the bewildered faces of the two adults.

The grandfather clock in the office next door began to chime the hour, bringing both McGonagall and Dumbledore back into reality and out of the hypnotic trance of pain and agony that the girl had held them in for the duration of her story. "Well then," McGonagall cleared her throat, sitting forward in her chair and looking down at the papers on her desk, which she shuffled for a few seconds, before looking up at the girl, in case it had all just been a bad dream bought on by indigestion. But the girl was still there, and so McGonagall turned to Dumbledore who looked at her with the same dazed and confused expression. She cleared her throat again, hoping this might help her hack up a few words or sentences that would end this interview and get this unbalanced mayhem out of her office and as far away from Hogwarts as possible.

"Well I think that's all we need for the moment," McGonagall said, finding her voice.

"Oh cool, thanks," said the girl, standing up. She was only a few steps away from being out of their lives forever when she turned back to face them. They both held their breath. "Any way I could hitch a ride back to my house from someone? I really should be getting back there."

"Ah yes," said McGonagall thinking fast, "um if you just follow the stair case to the top floor you'll find an attic which will probably look a lot like a dungeon. There should be a member of staff up there, who will be more than happy to help you. Quite tall and has dark greasy hair, you can't miss him,"

"Cheers" said the girl with a light smile, she turned and closing the door behind her was out of their lives forever.

McGonagall leaned back in her chair with an almighty groan.

"Why me?" she asked

"Well I'm sure the rest of the Hogwarts staff is thoroughly grateful for the duty you have performed today on behalf of the school," Dumbledore began before he realised that she wasn't talking to him. Instead, McGonagall eyes were lifted towards the heavens, "Was I really _that_ bad as a child?' Dumbledore decided it would be best to shut up for the moment and let McGonagall have a rare self-pitying moment. He twiddled his thumbs for a wee while and a few thoughts began to cross his mind.

"McGonagall?" he asked

"Hmmmpf?" said a muffled voice as McGonagall had smothered her face with a cushion,

"Why didn't you question any of the teachers?" McGonagall sat up, putting the cushion down on her desk, and taking her glasses off to rub her eyes.

"Well I personally didn't think any teacher would be stupid enough to try such a thing. Hogwarts being for most of us our sole source of income,"

"Well you know it could have been by accident?" Dumbledore suggested, twiddling with his beard. McGonagall paused in the cleaning of her glasses. Dumbledore raised his eyes to the ceiling, "Just suppose they found, say, an interesting looking lever that looked like it could hold some interesting consequences," McGonagall turned to him with a slight pained expression on her face

"Oh please tell me this is some kind of joke?" Dumbledore looked at her anxiously before giving up on any sort of innocent pretence,

" Well I'd like to know what a lever like that is even doing in the headmasters office, it's a good thing I found it otherwise who knows if those protection spells would have kept for another ten or twenty years,"

McGonagall's head fell into her hands, "this isn't happening," she muttered to herself,

"I mean who puts a label next to a lever like that saying 'Do not pull,' with no added explanation." Dumbledore continued, "I myself shall be writing an in-depth analysis as to why you should follow these set of instructions, and post it next to it for the assistance of future headmasters."

McGonagall turned to him, "well a great wizarding mind you turned out to be."

"No need to look at me like that Minerva, we always learn best from our mistake,"

"I was showing a potential student around at the time you decided to conduct this little experiment

Could have been the next Grimwald, the next Harry Potter,"

"The next Harry Potter?" Dumbledore scoffed "Like that's anything to boast. If your mummy wuves you vewy vewy much and the dark lord drops by for tea and is vewy vewy angwy at your mummy and daddy, you might just turn out being the next saviour of all wizarding kind. Pshaw,"

McGonagall stared off into space as this idea began to fully process itself through her mind. "Sheer dumb luck," she concluded, with a bit of strife mounting on her conscience.

"I know," said Dumbledore, "but that's the way the world works," he sighed, "oh well I better go write up my explanation for the lever."

"But Dumbledore," McGonagall exclaimed, a frantic thought crossing her mind, "what will I tell the parents? About the explosion?"

"Oh you'll think of something," Dumbledore shrugged, walking out the door "what would I know; I'm only the dumb headmaster who blows up the school on occasion."


End file.
